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Continuing our thoughts post Tu B'av....

Many people look for a spouse who is "fun".

Drop it.

Most of your future life you will NOT be having fun with him/her. The fact is, that even when a guy wants [and has time for] fun, he generally DOESN'T go to his wife. He goes to the T.V. [G-d save us...] or plays ball or maybe even will go with his wife to a movie [ditto..], but the fun is not his wife but the movie. If he is more of a Ben-Torah for "fun" he goes to the beis medrash.

Does a wife go to her husband for "fun". Generally not. She calls her friends on the phone to chat and giggle or opens up her cook book to try a new recipe for meatloaf. If she has a spiritual orientation then she will say tehillim or listen to a shiur on Sfas Emes. And if she is REALLY shtark then for fun she will open up her heavily annotated edition of Nesivos Shalom or R' Pinkus' Shearim B'Tefila and add more of her chiddushim. But she doesn't go to her husband for fun.

But when people are dating they look for someone whom "it is fun to be with". Fuhgedaboutit! Make sure that you ENJOY the other persons company but don't view fun as the gauge of whether he/she is for you. After dating the fun ends.

Good character, a kind heart, a forgiving nature etc etc. are what you should be searching for. Then life might not be "fun" according to the the common use of the word but it will be Fulfilling, have Unity and be a Never ending sense of

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Kol Hakavod on these series of essays concerning the shidduch crises.

I want to attest to the Rav's assertion brought out in the first essay.

The solution is to forget about Mr/Mrs Perfect and to find Mr/Mrs Normal.

When someone I know just started dating someone she said that the reason she had been single for so long was that she was looking for Mr Perfect. There was a checklist and the entire checklist had to have checks in order to get married.

She had been dating for around six years at this point I think. Her friends where all marrying and having children while she was not. She had an epiphany, realizing that perhaps all that she needed were 6 out of 10 checks. EVEN IF ONE OF THE THINGS ABOUT HIM SHE DIDN'T AGREE WITH SO MUCH! Even if he was objectively flawed in that area. But that shouldn't negate his other pros.

She was engaged a couple of weeks later and married a few months after that.

This couldn't be more true, something i was having difficulty with when i first started dating. One of my constant thoughts were, will i have fun with him, then as we continued going out i realized he had so many qualities that it didnt matter so much.
For some people, it is hard to come to that realization because they haven't settled down and they're main concern is to enjoy life. which we agree, is an immature person's "kop-out" youngsters have to realize so but it'll take time.

Thanks Yaakov P and "rebel teen" [even though you are a married woman?] for your reinforcement!

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About me

  • I'm Rabbi Ally Ehrman
  • From Old City Jerusalem, Israel
  • I am a Rebbe in Yeshivat Netiv Aryeh.
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