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Shidduchim - Debunking A Myth

Sweetest Friends! Pursuant to the last post I would like to raise a certain point.

Many young men are looking for a girl with a "P.H.D." [Papa Has Dough]. This is based on the erroneous assumption that he will gladly share his money and that would be GREAT!


He does NOT want to share his money with his son-in-law. He wants his son-in-law to get money the old fashioned way - earn it!! [Extra credit if you are at least in your 30's and remember which commercial I took that line from.] If he has excessive funds and wants to unload some - worryeth not!! There is not one Jewish organization or institution in the world that would not be GLAD to help.

Chances are that he LOVES his money. The way to get rich is to LOVE money [I learned that personally from the flip side... As the heilige Maharal writes - "yedias ha'haphachim achas he"]. He doesn't want to part so quickly with his love. His daughter - yes, his money - no.

But maybe he will give you money anyway. He's a generous guy! Yes, but then you get the money together with a "bonus" - strings attached. He will then feel [together with your mother-in-law] that he can tell you what to do. Control your life. Uh oh. And you might let them - because you feel guilty. Gifts RARELY [if ever] come for nothing - there is always a price and this price is often more costly than mere cash.
[Brisker Rov]

Plus, you won't have self-respect - and he won't resect you. People are respected when they make it on their own [bs"d].

"O.K.", you say, "but he will give me a job in his company and I will earn my keep." Not so simple. I tried it and my father-in-law refused!!

Alav Hashalom!

But he refused. "No, I will NOT give you a job, Allan." [He called me Allan. Now he no longer calls me...]

"But Abba", I said [I called him "Abba" out of respect], "why not?! I married your daughter. I will be the father of your grandchildren! Have a heart!!"


"Why not?"

"Because you never attended medical school!"


Let's say that he CAN give you a job. Not so simple. You DON'T [in many instances] want to work for him. When it comes to money people act meshugga and if you work for him this will put a strain on your relationship. Or you might never talk to him again. This will also not have the best impact on your Shalom Bayis.

Also, many girls [NOT ALL] from wealthy homes are HIGH maintenence. It will be tough supporting her for life.

So fuhgedaboutit!! Look for a girl with a O.T.C.[Oheves Torah Va'Chesed - it's OK if she is a O.C.T. Occupational Therapist as well].

P.H.D.'s are overrated.

And I never made it to medical school. As a matter of fact, on principal I almost never go to doctors unless I REALLY have to. I think that many M.D.'s are also overrated.

Ad me'ah vi'esrim shana!

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About me

  • I'm Rabbi Ally Ehrman
  • From Old City Jerusalem, Israel
  • I am a Rebbe in Yeshivat Netiv Aryeh.
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