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Hilchos Dating: An Alleyways Exclusive

There is no Hilchos Dating in the Shulchan Aruch so I have the opportunity to add my two cents [I hope what I say is worth more].

Hilchos Dating ["Tamar'iut] U'bo Zayin Simmanim - Kiminyan Sheva Brachos

Simman Aleph: Don't answer your cellphone on a date. It is impolite and sometimes downright rude. Besides the lack of respect such action exhibits to one's partner, it is also not beneficial to oneself. What in the world can be more important to you than determining with whom you are going to spend the rest of eternity!! Your complete focus must be on the other person. Calls can wait. [Rema - One notable exception would be a Doctor or Medic who might be needed for an emergency. You should also answer if you have an especially nervous mother. This should be explained to the date accompanied by an apology "Sorry, it's my Mom. She can't fall asleep unless I pick up and tell her that I am still alive."]

Simman Beis: If the other person is waiting for an answer as to whether the relationship will continue - don't make them wait. It is uncomfortable and nerve-wracking.

Simman Gimmel: [For young ladies] The societal norm is that the boy picks up the girl. Please don't make him shlep around too much. He has to get up early tomorrow for minyan and work/yeshiva/otherwise. If he lives in Brooklyn and will pick you up in Staten Island, don't ask to go somewhere in Conneticut.

Simman Dalet: [Particularly for young men] Remember, she is probably quite nervous and ill at ease. She doesn't have the self confidence [yet] to truly believe that she is a special daughter of Hashem. Make her feel good. Actively listen when she speaks. Make sure that she is not hungry or thirsty and if she is insist on buying her something. If she objects, tell her that it is an honor! After all the nice things that you have heard about her [and having met her and seeing that they are true] it would give you distinct pleasure to pay. It is boring [you say] always spending money on yourself. You don't have to take her to an expensive place. Even a slice of pizza or a bottle of juice could be enough. [Make sure that you learn the sugya of Hilchos Birchas HaPizza. She'll be awfully impressed].

Simman Heh: Be yourself! Many people don't believe that others would like them if they discovered their true selves. It is not true. As the refrain from a song from the 80's goes: "I love you just the way you are."

Simman Vav: Consult with older and wiser people about your relationships. Try to avoid taking counsel from your single friends. They have never been married so their scope is limited. Not every married person is the right person either. So make sure that it is someone who knows what they are talking about and won't lead you astray.

Simman Zayin: Avoid dark secluded places. Always remain in the public eye. We are all human. Vehamayvin yavin.


Dont be late to a first date.

I got married slightly "late" in life and I couldn't resist adding to this list. The following is true for guys & gals and actually occurred to me:

1) If we bump into your friends try and be mature by doing a simple introduction. Just because they learn my name doesn't mean we have to get married. And... don't talk to them for 15 minutes. I am paying for that parking meter!

2) Chivalry isn't dead and a normal guy won't let you take the subway/bus/walk home late at night. So.. as much as you might have had enough of me stop insisting on getting home on your own. You wanted to date a mensch, deal with it.

Note to guys: be a mensch and drop her off at the door.

3) Things I don't need to know on the first date: You are "in love" with your shana alef rabbi. It's creepy...

The rest of my tips will be published in my next book :)


Excellent sum-up. :)

After nearly 3 years of marriage which have included countless discussions [e.g. including much legitimate complaining and some whining] with single and married friends, I think that Simman Vav is one of the most important suggestions.

Simman Heh should be Simman Aleph!

Simman Beis cannot be stressed enough.

Simman Zayin is all too true.

Hmm... basically, I'm saying that this was a great list, again. I'll stop now. :P

This will be too much fun, after Y"T...

wise :)

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About me

  • I'm Rabbi Ally Ehrman
  • From Old City Jerusalem, Israel
  • I am a Rebbe in Yeshivat Netiv Aryeh.
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